What motivates you? Is it money? Love? The thrill of the hunt? Do you play the game for the fun of playing or do you play to win? I hear writers say they get asked, Why do you write? As a writer I can answer that the same way all my writer friends do: I can't Not write.
My entire life I have been happiest when I was making something. I learned needlepoint and thread crafts at an early age, my mother's attempts to keep my nose out of a book and make me socialize. I can sew, crochet or embroider pretty much anything. I've built small pieces of furniture, put together innumerable jigsaw puzzles, framed windows and walls, even rebuilt a carburetor for a 1963 Nash Rambler. I can draw and paint and string multiple notes together without needing a bucket to carry them in. I've made my own wax candles and bath salts and lip balm. I can make magic with my own two hands. I can cook manicotti that grown men will fight over. And when I put my pencil to paper I can write words that will inspire you, make you laugh or cry, turn you on or tick you off.
This uncontrollable desire to create something has been a part of my chemistry since birth. Reading is the only thing I devote as much focus to as creating. Where does the motivation come from? I couldn't tell you. I'm not really concerned about where it comes from as long as it keeps coming.
A writer friend turned me on to a quote from Pearl S. Buck about creating. He said it pretty much summed him up. I would have to agree, for him and myself. See what you think....
"The truly creative mind, in any field, is no more than this: a human born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To him, a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create-so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency, he is not really alive unless he is creating."
There are as many motives for actions as there are actions to be made. They are not always something we need to question or define. If you do know your motivations, you are probably ahead of the game. Not many people who feel the need to know have the courage to look honestly in the mirror for the answers. In my case, writing is something in my blood, an insatiable craving for the printed word and the pictures, dreams and passions that are painted onto the page.
Keep in mind that motivation is the Why. Inspiration is the What. I'll save that for the next blog.
28 June 2009
21 June 2009
Daddy's Girl
I have always been my daddy's little girl. Dad played Santa Claus a lot when I was little. I learned early the value of making people smile. He also played guitar and was a disc jockey, where I get my love of music from. As a child I would not sleep unless dad was home. Nights he was at the radio station my mother would turn on a radio in my room so I could hear Dad's voice. He would talk to me on-air.
I also get my irreverent sense of humor from my dad. He would bring me records (yes, I still have vinyl) of Dr. Demento to listen to in my room. And he was a huge fan of Wierd Al Yankovic and Cletus T Judd. Our favorite comedy was Spaceballs. The first movie Dad took me to the theatre to see was The Buddy Holly Story. It was a close second to The Blues Brothers on our favorites list. I remember coming home from school and telling jokes I had heard on the bus. Mom would make me tell Dad just to see him blush.
It's been over a year since Daddy passed. There are days it feels like it was yesterday. There are also days I feel his presence around me, a quiet comfort when I need him. I am happy he's in a better place, with no pain or sickness, with all the family that went before him that he missed so dearly. There are still days when wish I could cry on his shoulder.
I love and miss you, Old Man.
Happy Father's Day to all of you.
I also get my irreverent sense of humor from my dad. He would bring me records (yes, I still have vinyl) of Dr. Demento to listen to in my room. And he was a huge fan of Wierd Al Yankovic and Cletus T Judd. Our favorite comedy was Spaceballs. The first movie Dad took me to the theatre to see was The Buddy Holly Story. It was a close second to The Blues Brothers on our favorites list. I remember coming home from school and telling jokes I had heard on the bus. Mom would make me tell Dad just to see him blush.
It's been over a year since Daddy passed. There are days it feels like it was yesterday. There are also days I feel his presence around me, a quiet comfort when I need him. I am happy he's in a better place, with no pain or sickness, with all the family that went before him that he missed so dearly. There are still days when wish I could cry on his shoulder.
I love and miss you, Old Man.
Happy Father's Day to all of you.
15 June 2009
Talk without Words
Ready for an intimate conversation? What does that mean? Being intimate doesn't have to be about having sex. It's about closeness, sharing things with another person that no one else is privy to.
I don't mean the generic, everyday detritus of life. That's companionship, a different animal all together. Companionship is having someone to go shopping with, do dishes with, a friend to hang out with. Intimacy requires more emotional commitment.
It can be someone you trade deep, dark secrets with, or someone you snuggle with on rainy afternoons, or the person you sit up all night with when one of you needs to vent. It's the person who touches you briefly in a crowded room just to let you know they're there if you need them.
Do you know which people in your life are companions and which are intimate friends? Do you have both? Do you know which ones you need and which ones you want? Do you have the temerity to admit what you're looking for?
I don't mean the generic, everyday detritus of life. That's companionship, a different animal all together. Companionship is having someone to go shopping with, do dishes with, a friend to hang out with. Intimacy requires more emotional commitment.
It can be someone you trade deep, dark secrets with, or someone you snuggle with on rainy afternoons, or the person you sit up all night with when one of you needs to vent. It's the person who touches you briefly in a crowded room just to let you know they're there if you need them.
Do you know which people in your life are companions and which are intimate friends? Do you have both? Do you know which ones you need and which ones you want? Do you have the temerity to admit what you're looking for?
31 May 2009
Sentimental Journey
I've been gone way too long from here. Didn't realize how long it had been since I wrote a new blog. I have helped open a new store, cut open my hand on a really big deli slicer, pulled out my own stitches. I have also been cleaning out my storage unit.
I have found things I forgot I owned. Some things are keepsakes from my family, items that remind me of relatives both loved and missed. Some things are reminders of things I would like to forget. I found my grandmother's china, the family bibles, Dad's novelty ties. I found the giant inflatable penguin with the Christmas decorations, my collection of lingerie, my wedding dress.
Standing in the heat and humidity in the middle of that room I cried, cussed, laughed hysterically. I asked questions to the air that I know I will never get answers to. While I'm not as far down the road to independence as I would like to be, I'm getting a lot closer. I'm letting go of baggage, trying to let go of emotions that are not useful, not healthy. I can't carry it anymore. I'm trying to take flight, and it's just a burden I don't need to carry.
It's taking a lot of effort to break the habit. It's easy to cling to emotions that are familiar. New emotions are exciting, scary, addictive. But it takes time for connections to form. The old stuff is what I'm used to, even if it is bad for me. But I will keep trying, keep working on letting go of the negative and finding the positive. I will no longer hide in the shadows of who I used to be. I'm stepping out into the light.
I have found things I forgot I owned. Some things are keepsakes from my family, items that remind me of relatives both loved and missed. Some things are reminders of things I would like to forget. I found my grandmother's china, the family bibles, Dad's novelty ties. I found the giant inflatable penguin with the Christmas decorations, my collection of lingerie, my wedding dress.
Standing in the heat and humidity in the middle of that room I cried, cussed, laughed hysterically. I asked questions to the air that I know I will never get answers to. While I'm not as far down the road to independence as I would like to be, I'm getting a lot closer. I'm letting go of baggage, trying to let go of emotions that are not useful, not healthy. I can't carry it anymore. I'm trying to take flight, and it's just a burden I don't need to carry.
It's taking a lot of effort to break the habit. It's easy to cling to emotions that are familiar. New emotions are exciting, scary, addictive. But it takes time for connections to form. The old stuff is what I'm used to, even if it is bad for me. But I will keep trying, keep working on letting go of the negative and finding the positive. I will no longer hide in the shadows of who I used to be. I'm stepping out into the light.
18 April 2009
Missed Opportunities
How many things can you think of that you wanted to try and never did? Do you remember why you didn't? I can think of several things I never tried. My mother was really good at making me feel like I would never accomplish anything. Being taught to fear failure makes it hard to achieve. Setting your own obstacles in your path makes it difficult, also. You can't prevent yourself from achieving the little goals and expect to reach the big ones. You're setting yourself up to fail. And you can't let other people convince you that you're not good enough to reach the little goals or the big ones.
The trick is finding the fire inside of you that makes you want to achieve regardless to how many people say you can't do it. The desire to do something or find something or be with someone has to be so strong that you feel you will die if you don't reach that goal.
You have to ask yourself, "Am I strong enough to take that next step?" Are you willing to take a risk and step outside of your comfort zone? Are you ready to set aside your fear to reach for your destiny? How do you know if you don't ask yourself the question? How do you know if you don't take that first step, take that small risk? Small ones lead to big ones. You have to start somewhere.
There are several things I would like to do right now. Are they impossible? Hell, No! Are they impractical at the present time? Yes, Damn it! That doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid of falling on my face. Nor does it change the fact that I want to stand on my own without fear.
What it means is that I will save and plan and calculate and work my ass off until I can do those things. Anyone can tell me I won't achieve my goals. I am the only one who will stop me from achieving them.
Somewhere in my future, fear will become obsolete. I will push the debris out of my way, and run defiantly in the face of my opposition. I won't fear what will happen if I fly there and meet him. I will fly there and see what happens in person.
The trick is finding the fire inside of you that makes you want to achieve regardless to how many people say you can't do it. The desire to do something or find something or be with someone has to be so strong that you feel you will die if you don't reach that goal.
You have to ask yourself, "Am I strong enough to take that next step?" Are you willing to take a risk and step outside of your comfort zone? Are you ready to set aside your fear to reach for your destiny? How do you know if you don't ask yourself the question? How do you know if you don't take that first step, take that small risk? Small ones lead to big ones. You have to start somewhere.
There are several things I would like to do right now. Are they impossible? Hell, No! Are they impractical at the present time? Yes, Damn it! That doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid of falling on my face. Nor does it change the fact that I want to stand on my own without fear.
What it means is that I will save and plan and calculate and work my ass off until I can do those things. Anyone can tell me I won't achieve my goals. I am the only one who will stop me from achieving them.
Somewhere in my future, fear will become obsolete. I will push the debris out of my way, and run defiantly in the face of my opposition. I won't fear what will happen if I fly there and meet him. I will fly there and see what happens in person.
12 April 2009
Here's your sign...
Patience is a virtue. We've all heard this. I've written about patience before. I don't have a lot of it. It's one of the things I'm working on. I'm also working on recognizing signs. I don't believe in coincedences. I believe things happen for reasons. I've also written about how people come and go in our lives for reasons. I'm still hoping for someone to come along to help me learn some patience.
If you've been following my blog, you know by now that I'm recovering from a bad relationship and a misguided childhood. I'm seeing things more clearly than ever before. Those of you who know me from The Writer's Chatroom know that I'm a flirt. It's fun and for the most part harmless. I've been flirting with a lot of people lately, some close, some far away, some new, some I've been flirting with a long time. It's like playing Cat & Mouse, which I've also blogged about. The game can be fun, but everybody has to play along. I'm not one for playing those games for long.
At this point, I've figured out what I want. And I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR IT! I want something real, something close enough to touch. I want someone who already knows what he wants, and how to recognize it when he finds it. I don't want to have to drag him in front of his own mirror so he can fix his own problems. He should have done that by now. When the right man comes along I hope I recognize him for who and what he is. And I hope he sees in me what and who I truly am. Because when that happens, true magic comes to life. The magical energy of two hearts perfectly in tune with each other.
As a writer I play What If a lot. But playing What If with my heart is a tricky game. I can dream up dozens of scenarios where I first meet him. The One. I don't know if I've already come across him or if he's waiting for me to find him. But I'm not going to wait forever on what Might Be. I'm going to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and go in search of What Is.
If you've been following my blog, you know by now that I'm recovering from a bad relationship and a misguided childhood. I'm seeing things more clearly than ever before. Those of you who know me from The Writer's Chatroom know that I'm a flirt. It's fun and for the most part harmless. I've been flirting with a lot of people lately, some close, some far away, some new, some I've been flirting with a long time. It's like playing Cat & Mouse, which I've also blogged about. The game can be fun, but everybody has to play along. I'm not one for playing those games for long.
At this point, I've figured out what I want. And I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR IT! I want something real, something close enough to touch. I want someone who already knows what he wants, and how to recognize it when he finds it. I don't want to have to drag him in front of his own mirror so he can fix his own problems. He should have done that by now. When the right man comes along I hope I recognize him for who and what he is. And I hope he sees in me what and who I truly am. Because when that happens, true magic comes to life. The magical energy of two hearts perfectly in tune with each other.
As a writer I play What If a lot. But playing What If with my heart is a tricky game. I can dream up dozens of scenarios where I first meet him. The One. I don't know if I've already come across him or if he's waiting for me to find him. But I'm not going to wait forever on what Might Be. I'm going to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and go in search of What Is.
30 March 2009
Two Tests of Strength
Since I survived flying to Arizona and back I have felt this strange need to prove myself. I want to test my own strength, emotionally and mentally. I am sitting in a hotel room in a town I walked away from when my marriage ended. Rumor has it the Ex is still working here. I found myself telling a friend today that I hope I run into him, figuratively. I have been back here since the break-up. It feels different this time. I'm not the same person. I was still deeply mourning the end of my marriage the last time I was here. Now I see the real me in this place where my life changed forever. I still have a wound from that change. But I'm getting stronger, healthier, happier. I know now that I won't fall apart if I see him. I'm not going to be petty and juvenile and flip him the bird. I might gloat a bit that the 2-store operation he walked away from has now grown to 8 stores. I guess he just wasn't strong enough to stick with it.
Personal strength is something to think about. I'm not talking about physical force or stamina. I'm talking about strength of conviction, faith, being able to recognize what you need and how to get it regardless to how hard it may be. The Ex wasn't strong enough. He had no faith in his own abilities. He put on a good show, and believe me he could sell the show. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and make him think he needed it. But he couldn't sell the show to himself because he knew it was a lie. He wasn't strong enough to look in the mirror. Now I can see that. I wasn't ready to see it then. I wasn't strong enough to face that reality. Until now.
I'm looking for someone who has some strength. Are you strong enough to look in the mirror? Can you see the options before you and make that decision to follow your heart? Where is the man who is strong enough to take on a woman who is not only looking in her mirror, but talking back to it? Are you strong enough to be my man?
Personal strength is something to think about. I'm not talking about physical force or stamina. I'm talking about strength of conviction, faith, being able to recognize what you need and how to get it regardless to how hard it may be. The Ex wasn't strong enough. He had no faith in his own abilities. He put on a good show, and believe me he could sell the show. He could sell ice to an Eskimo and make him think he needed it. But he couldn't sell the show to himself because he knew it was a lie. He wasn't strong enough to look in the mirror. Now I can see that. I wasn't ready to see it then. I wasn't strong enough to face that reality. Until now.
I'm looking for someone who has some strength. Are you strong enough to look in the mirror? Can you see the options before you and make that decision to follow your heart? Where is the man who is strong enough to take on a woman who is not only looking in her mirror, but talking back to it? Are you strong enough to be my man?
19 March 2009
Excuse me....
May I have your attention?
Thank you. I like attention. I don't have to be the center of attention, but I do enjoy not being ignored. Something that does irritate me is when someone does some little thing to see who's paying attention, and they do it over and over and over.
Let me tell ya, if you are interesting enough to catch my attention, you don't need to pester the crap out of me to see if I'm paying attention to you. Try speaking to me. I like conversation, and it takes two of us to have one. And if you are really interesting (you know, a DJ voice, good with your hands, a nice ass), you don't have to try to get my attention.
You already have it.
Thank you. I like attention. I don't have to be the center of attention, but I do enjoy not being ignored. Something that does irritate me is when someone does some little thing to see who's paying attention, and they do it over and over and over.
Let me tell ya, if you are interesting enough to catch my attention, you don't need to pester the crap out of me to see if I'm paying attention to you. Try speaking to me. I like conversation, and it takes two of us to have one. And if you are really interesting (you know, a DJ voice, good with your hands, a nice ass), you don't have to try to get my attention.
You already have it.
16 March 2009
Trivial Pursuits
Did you know...
my favorite colors: any shade of purple, acid green, deep flame orange, lemon yellow
my new favorite song: Wait For Me by Theory of a Deadman (thanks Pam!)
my favorite games: PuttPutt, Texas Hold 'Em, Canasta, Pool (you'll notice Head Games are not on the list....)
my favorite TV shows: any CSI, Paranormal State, GhostHunters
my favorite colors: any shade of purple, acid green, deep flame orange, lemon yellow
my new favorite song: Wait For Me by Theory of a Deadman (thanks Pam!)
my favorite games: PuttPutt, Texas Hold 'Em, Canasta, Pool (you'll notice Head Games are not on the list....)
my favorite TV shows: any CSI, Paranormal State, GhostHunters
10 March 2009
Getting What You Want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need
Do you know the difference between Need and Want? Need implies necessity. There are 4 basic Needs: food, air, water and shelter. Beyond that are more complex needs like acceptance, friendship and love. Want is not the same as Need. Want is driven by a different set of values. Want is what we would do under ideal circumstances: I Want a Corvette, I Want to dance like Cheryl Burke, I Want to afford Chanel handbags
Want goes beyond the material stuff. Everyone Wants to be understood, to be heard, to be vindicated when wronged. Each of us Wants to know we are liked by others, cared for and desired by others.
Will we die without these Wants? No. I can be perfectly happy with my Chevy Cavalier and the Army green duffel bag I rogued from my aunt. I have the basics covered. I have the things I Need.
There are still some things I Want. I Want a Harley Trike. I Want a house on a hill overlooking the beach. I Want a man who will still Want me when we are old and cranky.
The things we Need will come to us when they are supposed to. But sometimes you get the opportunity to grab onto something you Want.
The question is will you be ready to grab it and hold on.
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need
Do you know the difference between Need and Want? Need implies necessity. There are 4 basic Needs: food, air, water and shelter. Beyond that are more complex needs like acceptance, friendship and love. Want is not the same as Need. Want is driven by a different set of values. Want is what we would do under ideal circumstances: I Want a Corvette, I Want to dance like Cheryl Burke, I Want to afford Chanel handbags
Want goes beyond the material stuff. Everyone Wants to be understood, to be heard, to be vindicated when wronged. Each of us Wants to know we are liked by others, cared for and desired by others.
Will we die without these Wants? No. I can be perfectly happy with my Chevy Cavalier and the Army green duffel bag I rogued from my aunt. I have the basics covered. I have the things I Need.
There are still some things I Want. I Want a Harley Trike. I Want a house on a hill overlooking the beach. I Want a man who will still Want me when we are old and cranky.
The things we Need will come to us when they are supposed to. But sometimes you get the opportunity to grab onto something you Want.
The question is will you be ready to grab it and hold on.
06 March 2009
Live Like You've Got a Set
What motivates you? What sets off your fight or flight response? What makes you stand your ground or run and hide? What scares you? Why do you play games with people?
I have a lot of motivations lately. I want to stand on my own and be responsible for myself. I want to be ready to be an equal partner in my next relationship. I want to express myself in whatever manner works for me. I want my voice to be heard. I want to get healthier so I don't end up sick like my parents were. Besides, healthier people have better sex.
I have a lot of motivations lately. I want to stand on my own and be responsible for myself. I want to be ready to be an equal partner in my next relationship. I want to express myself in whatever manner works for me. I want my voice to be heard. I want to get healthier so I don't end up sick like my parents were. Besides, healthier people have better sex.
When something scares you, I mean real gut-wrenching fear, do you meet it head-on? or do you look for somewhere to hide, someone to cast blame on? Dealing with fear is a lot like dealing with choices. You have to own it, don't let it own you. Be the kind of person who has the cahones to face fear and do what needs done without causing more drama. Forgive me, but I'm gonna quote a Harry Potter movie: Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.
Let's look at an example: some people are afraid to love, to get close to someone, to let another person see them for who they truly are. With this mindset, love itself becomes the enemy. I'm afraid of getting that close to someone and I've got the cahones to say it. I own my fear. I'm a lot stronger than I used to be, but the thought of letting someone close enough to break my heart again makes my nerves scream. When someone starts getting close, I want them closer, but I'm afraid to pull them in. It's normal to fear being hurt. But I won't let that fear control me. I will reach out to that person. I will take that risk because I refuse to miss out on the opportunity to find something that just might be the love of my life.
Why do some people feel the need to create drama? What does it mean if a person claims she/he can't stand drama, yet she/he is the one who pushes all the buttons to create the drama? Why would you want to do that to yourself? Do people really enjoy inflicting that kind of pain on themselves and the people around them? That's the thing I don't get. Whether you fight or run, why put yourself in the position to have to choose? It's a complete and utter waste of energy. Let that baggage go. Let go of the emotion that's tied up in making yourself and the other person miserable. Clean that mess up, then you have some room for some happiness.
I guess I just don't understand why people want to make themselves miserable. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to know someone desires me as much as I desire him. That's basically what the human condition boils down to.
01 March 2009
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
I can usually tell when I've gone too long without meditating. I get irritable, moody. Little things irritate me more quickly than usual.
For me, meditating helps relieve stress, helps me focus, helps me deal with a lot of issues. It gives me a chance to concentrate on a particular issue, or on nothing at all. Meditating is a lot like praying. You close your eyes, ask for guidance and have a little faith.
I learned to meditate after the loss of my mother and grandmother to a car accident. It was the only thing that kept me sane. It helped me deal with the grief, the anger, and helped me see things I hadn't seen before. I've meditated a good bit since the demise of my marriage. Probably not as much as I should have considering my mood of late. It's safe to say I'm still grieving for what I thought I had.
I haven't meditated much lately for several reasons. Even though each one would be valid, they still sound like excuses. I need to meditate so I can deal with the last of the baggage from the Ex. I haven't let go completely. I've not let go because I don't have the answer to a question. The issues on both sides cancel each other out but they still don't answer that one question. I will probably never hear an answer to that question. And I have to learn to live with that. It's just another piece of baggage that needs to be taken to the curb with the trash.
I know I can not take responsibility for the Ex's actions. I did not make the choices that led me to my aunt's doorstep a year ago. What I can own up to are the choices I've made since then.
I choose to live my life the way I want. I choose to let people get close or not. I choose to let the real me shine through. This is my life. I will have faith in myself to be strong enough to live it.
For me, meditating helps relieve stress, helps me focus, helps me deal with a lot of issues. It gives me a chance to concentrate on a particular issue, or on nothing at all. Meditating is a lot like praying. You close your eyes, ask for guidance and have a little faith.
I learned to meditate after the loss of my mother and grandmother to a car accident. It was the only thing that kept me sane. It helped me deal with the grief, the anger, and helped me see things I hadn't seen before. I've meditated a good bit since the demise of my marriage. Probably not as much as I should have considering my mood of late. It's safe to say I'm still grieving for what I thought I had.
I haven't meditated much lately for several reasons. Even though each one would be valid, they still sound like excuses. I need to meditate so I can deal with the last of the baggage from the Ex. I haven't let go completely. I've not let go because I don't have the answer to a question. The issues on both sides cancel each other out but they still don't answer that one question. I will probably never hear an answer to that question. And I have to learn to live with that. It's just another piece of baggage that needs to be taken to the curb with the trash.
I know I can not take responsibility for the Ex's actions. I did not make the choices that led me to my aunt's doorstep a year ago. What I can own up to are the choices I've made since then.
I choose to live my life the way I want. I choose to let people get close or not. I choose to let the real me shine through. This is my life. I will have faith in myself to be strong enough to live it.
25 February 2009
Staying Power
What's the longest you've ever done something? Grade school lasts 12 years. College can be 4 to 12 years, especially if you can't decide on a major. Marriages can last a few months or a lifetime. Jobs can be just jobs or they can be careers. What makes us do something for that long? What gives us that staying power?
I recently read an article from Cosmopolitan that said loving and being in love are two distinct things, especially for men. When a man is in love he doesn't see small imperfections in his new mate. Everything is new and exciting and holds the attention, but only for a short time. Loving, on the otherhand, means he sees his mate for who she really is and not who he wants her to be. If he has staying power, he will still be around when the new wears off.
I am currently at a crossroads. If you've been following my blogs, you know I've been a bit hostile of late. A lot of emotions are churning right now. I'm working through them. I've figured out that the Ex was not the man for me. And I'm not looking for Mr Right at the moment. Who knows? I may have met him already. Or maybe I'll meet him sometime soon. Either way, when the time is right, the right man will find me and see me for who I am.
I've heard it said by many, 'If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.' I love writing. Those close to me know this. I also enjoy my day job. But I have to decide if it's just going to be the 'day job' or if it is the career I'm looking for. There is lots of opportunity with the job. And I am working for a friend. Is it possible to have two careers at the same time? I think I may have to find out for myself.
Always remember to check your mirror before you start down any path. Make sure you know your map, your directions, even if you're winging it you have to have an idea of where you're going. There are many paths in front of me and I've got my walking shoes on. Time for the next step.....
I recently read an article from Cosmopolitan that said loving and being in love are two distinct things, especially for men. When a man is in love he doesn't see small imperfections in his new mate. Everything is new and exciting and holds the attention, but only for a short time. Loving, on the otherhand, means he sees his mate for who she really is and not who he wants her to be. If he has staying power, he will still be around when the new wears off.
I am currently at a crossroads. If you've been following my blogs, you know I've been a bit hostile of late. A lot of emotions are churning right now. I'm working through them. I've figured out that the Ex was not the man for me. And I'm not looking for Mr Right at the moment. Who knows? I may have met him already. Or maybe I'll meet him sometime soon. Either way, when the time is right, the right man will find me and see me for who I am.
I've heard it said by many, 'If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life.' I love writing. Those close to me know this. I also enjoy my day job. But I have to decide if it's just going to be the 'day job' or if it is the career I'm looking for. There is lots of opportunity with the job. And I am working for a friend. Is it possible to have two careers at the same time? I think I may have to find out for myself.
Always remember to check your mirror before you start down any path. Make sure you know your map, your directions, even if you're winging it you have to have an idea of where you're going. There are many paths in front of me and I've got my walking shoes on. Time for the next step.....
23 February 2009
It's Complicated
This blog is something a little different. Now that I've decided to let the Ex pay for the divorce, I've realized how much baggage I've been hanging onto. There were some things I needed to say, to him, to myself. So I wrote a couple of letters......
Dear Frank,
There are many things I need to tell you. There are times I would like to scream and cuss and call you names. But that's only a small band-aid on a gaping wound.
Sometimes I hear a song and I remember things about you. Even after all this time I can still recall the feel of your skin, how your hair feels right after it's cut, your scent, the taste of your lips.
Not all of the time we spent together was bad. There were times when we were almost happy. I don't think either of us was capable at the time of being truly happy. We were so busy running away from our parents that we didn't see that we'd become our parents. Neither of us had good role models for relationships.
I loved you the best way I knew how. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect. But I honestly did not know you wanted out so badly. The person I was could not see what was in front of her. So you did the one thing you knew I could not forgive you for. I have to say the way you ended our relationship was cowardly. You could have told me instead of hurting me the way you did. I wouldn't have hurt you like that for anything in the world.
When you left me at Cindi's, I felt lost, abandoned. It was like my entire world had been ripped away. There are times when my heart still breaks at the thought of you. I still don't understand how you could just walk away after all those years together.
I don't want to stay angry over this. That's why I'm writing you this letter, to let it go. I thought I finished grieving over our marriage. But I still have some wounds to heal. I'm still angry about the way you broke things off. You had no right to hurt me the way you did. We agreed at the beginning to walk away if we thought we could find something better. Why couldn't you just walk away? I thought you were a better man than that.
Dear Becca,
Damn, Girl! You have stirred up some shit this time. Come on over here to the mirror and let's try to fix this. What do you see?
I see a very sad woman who's afraid of being alone. She wants so desperately to stand on her own, but she's afraid of failing. And she just realized that was her mother's voice in the back of her head. Why should I be afraid of doing something new? I've never stood completely on my own. I might do damn good at it if I give myself a chance. But first I have to do some cleaning.
There's a lot of baggage to take to the curb. Good memories can stay, but the painful ones need to go. All that self-doubt needs to be bagged up and tossed, too. It's time to kick yourself in the ass and get moving. So you're not where you wanted to be at this point in life. Do you think you're the only one in that position? The question is what are you going to do about it????
I've let my mother's dysfunctional thinking take control again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!! Say it again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER! One more time to make sure you start believing it. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!!! Now, that should feel better. Next issue...
Okay, mom has tainted my thinking again. I let my guard down. I'm human. There's a lot of irons in my fire at the moment. It's time to get them in order. I used to be very anal retentive. Only slightly OCD, but bad enough. Now I've gone so far in the other direction, I'm losing focus. I need to find the middle ground where I can keep things moving and still keep them in order. It's time to put old fears aside. I'm not the same person anymore. Why should I act like her?
So he broke my heart. He made me angry. That doesn't mean he gets to ruin all of my time now. He's not the issue anymore. Let go of him and the baggage around him.
Step out of the comfort zone and get your ass in gear!
Dear Frank,
There are many things I need to tell you. There are times I would like to scream and cuss and call you names. But that's only a small band-aid on a gaping wound.
Sometimes I hear a song and I remember things about you. Even after all this time I can still recall the feel of your skin, how your hair feels right after it's cut, your scent, the taste of your lips.
Not all of the time we spent together was bad. There were times when we were almost happy. I don't think either of us was capable at the time of being truly happy. We were so busy running away from our parents that we didn't see that we'd become our parents. Neither of us had good role models for relationships.
I loved you the best way I knew how. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect. But I honestly did not know you wanted out so badly. The person I was could not see what was in front of her. So you did the one thing you knew I could not forgive you for. I have to say the way you ended our relationship was cowardly. You could have told me instead of hurting me the way you did. I wouldn't have hurt you like that for anything in the world.
When you left me at Cindi's, I felt lost, abandoned. It was like my entire world had been ripped away. There are times when my heart still breaks at the thought of you. I still don't understand how you could just walk away after all those years together.
I don't want to stay angry over this. That's why I'm writing you this letter, to let it go. I thought I finished grieving over our marriage. But I still have some wounds to heal. I'm still angry about the way you broke things off. You had no right to hurt me the way you did. We agreed at the beginning to walk away if we thought we could find something better. Why couldn't you just walk away? I thought you were a better man than that.
Dear Becca,
Damn, Girl! You have stirred up some shit this time. Come on over here to the mirror and let's try to fix this. What do you see?
I see a very sad woman who's afraid of being alone. She wants so desperately to stand on her own, but she's afraid of failing. And she just realized that was her mother's voice in the back of her head. Why should I be afraid of doing something new? I've never stood completely on my own. I might do damn good at it if I give myself a chance. But first I have to do some cleaning.
There's a lot of baggage to take to the curb. Good memories can stay, but the painful ones need to go. All that self-doubt needs to be bagged up and tossed, too. It's time to kick yourself in the ass and get moving. So you're not where you wanted to be at this point in life. Do you think you're the only one in that position? The question is what are you going to do about it????
I've let my mother's dysfunctional thinking take control again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!! Say it again. I AM NOT MY MOTHER! One more time to make sure you start believing it. I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!!!! Now, that should feel better. Next issue...
Okay, mom has tainted my thinking again. I let my guard down. I'm human. There's a lot of irons in my fire at the moment. It's time to get them in order. I used to be very anal retentive. Only slightly OCD, but bad enough. Now I've gone so far in the other direction, I'm losing focus. I need to find the middle ground where I can keep things moving and still keep them in order. It's time to put old fears aside. I'm not the same person anymore. Why should I act like her?
So he broke my heart. He made me angry. That doesn't mean he gets to ruin all of my time now. He's not the issue anymore. Let go of him and the baggage around him.
Step out of the comfort zone and get your ass in gear!
22 February 2009
Matters of Principle
I recently blogged about not procrastinating. I have been debating with myself lately, not to mention my aunt and a good friend, about filing the divorce papers. After a LOT of thinking, I've conceded once again that they are right. If the Ex wants a divorce, let him pay for it. I originally thought that I just wanted to get it over with, get some closure. But why should I have to pay him to leave? He wanted this separation. He wanted to throw away 14 years. He wanted to spend time with a woman twice his age.
My ties to him have been cut as cleanly as they can be. I haven't been seeing other people because "technically" I'm still married. But you know what? To hell with all of it. Why should I put my life on hold anymore? Why should I wait for him to do something? There is no reason for me to contest the divorce when it happens. And right now, there is no big reason to get it done. I'm not rushing to get married again. So as a matter of principle, I am not filing the divorce the papers.
I haven't been seeing anyone, but I have played some Cat and Mouse. I've blogged on that also. I said that you have to play both sides. One person can't be the only one doing the chasing. If you want to play, you have to be willing to chase me, too. That means on principle, I won't chase anymore until the favor is returned.
My ties to him have been cut as cleanly as they can be. I haven't been seeing other people because "technically" I'm still married. But you know what? To hell with all of it. Why should I put my life on hold anymore? Why should I wait for him to do something? There is no reason for me to contest the divorce when it happens. And right now, there is no big reason to get it done. I'm not rushing to get married again. So as a matter of principle, I am not filing the divorce the papers.
I haven't been seeing anyone, but I have played some Cat and Mouse. I've blogged on that also. I said that you have to play both sides. One person can't be the only one doing the chasing. If you want to play, you have to be willing to chase me, too. That means on principle, I won't chase anymore until the favor is returned.
13 February 2009
All I want for Valentines....
What do I want for Valentine's? What am I looking for?
I'll try to make this short, but no promises....
1. you don't have to be a movie star, just be healthy
2. be strong enough to stand beside me
3. know when to offer your support and when to just let me be
4. take my breath away with one word, one look, one touch
5. surprise me
6. know the difference between romance and sex
7. be honest with yourself, it's the only way you can be honest with me
8. don't be afraid to be yourself
9. know how to carry on a conversation
10. enjoy the things we share, respect the things that make us different
11. make me laugh
12. be confident in yourself
13. don't whine, change what you don't like
14. don't hesitate, don't back down, don't regret
I'm not looking for Prince Charming, he was spoiled. I'm looking for someone real.
I'll try to make this short, but no promises....
1. you don't have to be a movie star, just be healthy
2. be strong enough to stand beside me
3. know when to offer your support and when to just let me be
4. take my breath away with one word, one look, one touch
5. surprise me
6. know the difference between romance and sex
7. be honest with yourself, it's the only way you can be honest with me
8. don't be afraid to be yourself
9. know how to carry on a conversation
10. enjoy the things we share, respect the things that make us different
11. make me laugh
12. be confident in yourself
13. don't whine, change what you don't like
14. don't hesitate, don't back down, don't regret
I'm not looking for Prince Charming, he was spoiled. I'm looking for someone real.
Will you be my Valentine?
What is this holiday about? Hallmark cards and chocolate? Singing stuffed animals? Cheesy lingerie you won't wear again until next year? Take a few minutes to look and you will see that the event began as a pagan festival in Roman times called Lupercalia. It was three days in February to release evil spirits and make room for health and fertility through nude dancing and drinking. Doesn't sound so bad. So how in hell did we end up with chocolate hearts and stuffed dogs singing Love Machine?
However you celebrate Valentine's Day, take some time this weekend to think about what it really means to you. A chance to celebrate your relationship? To show your appreciation to your partner for all they do? At the root of the modern version of this day, what does love mean to you? This is not the easiest question to answer. I think I need to make a list:
1. knowing when to say you're sorry
2. knowing when to say nothing at all
3. saying everything with a single touch
4. being supportive even when you know they're doing something wrong
5. having the cahones to tell them they're wrong
6. having the strength to stand together
7. being able to admit when they're right
8. knowing that no matter how bad it may look, you'll get through it together
9. knowing that anything worth having is worth fighting to keep
Think about it. Make your own list. Maybe you need to change the way you celebrate. If you do decide to dance naked in honor of Lupercus, stay sober enough to enjoy it.
However you celebrate Valentine's Day, take some time this weekend to think about what it really means to you. A chance to celebrate your relationship? To show your appreciation to your partner for all they do? At the root of the modern version of this day, what does love mean to you? This is not the easiest question to answer. I think I need to make a list:
1. knowing when to say you're sorry
2. knowing when to say nothing at all
3. saying everything with a single touch
4. being supportive even when you know they're doing something wrong
5. having the cahones to tell them they're wrong
6. having the strength to stand together
7. being able to admit when they're right
8. knowing that no matter how bad it may look, you'll get through it together
9. knowing that anything worth having is worth fighting to keep
Think about it. Make your own list. Maybe you need to change the way you celebrate. If you do decide to dance naked in honor of Lupercus, stay sober enough to enjoy it.
11 February 2009
I'll gladly pay you Tuesday....
I feel like procrastinating this morning. I need ink cartridges for my printer. At the same time I want to finish something I've been saying I can't wait to do for the last 3 months. I'm printing and filling out the divorce papers.
I've been trying to break the habit of procrastinating in a lot of areas. I'm getting better, but sometimes it's just easier, aka less painful, to fall back on the safety net and put things off. I signed up for an online dating service. Haven't seriously participated because I'm not divorced yet. I play poker with some single guys that I might enjoy spending time with, but I'm not divorced yet. I have a new friend who lives a really long ways away from me. We've been talking quite a bit for several months. In our own ways, we have both used each other as a safety net because we are so far apart. I don't have an issue with him for it and I hope he forgives me for my part in it. Besides, I'm still not divorced yet.
The whole legally single thing is an issue for me, and yes I use it as a safety net to delay having to join the dating scene. I know I don't have to be with someone to be happy. And I have found the place where I'm happy with who I am. There is no relationship with the Ex nor do I want one. I haven't seen him since the day he dropped me off at my aunt's house. Honestly I'm glad. I found a voice message in my Yahoo Messenger that he had sent me a few months before things broke down. I forgot it was there. Listened to it. I wanted to write this after I heard it but it's taken me 4 damn days to get this far. Even now, as much as I want to be free of him and all the associated baggage, I'm crying as I write this.
Closure is hard. It hurts as much as the break-up. I know I'm strong enough now to get through this. I can't move forward with new business until the old is finished. As much as it hurts, I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to shed the last of that baggage. I'm finally ready, admittedly scared as hell but ready, to stand on my own. February is supposed to be a time to celebrate love. Well, I'm going to celebrate Valentines by making room in my life for a new love. A new love, new experiences, new happiness.
But first, I need ink cartridges for my printer......
I've been trying to break the habit of procrastinating in a lot of areas. I'm getting better, but sometimes it's just easier, aka less painful, to fall back on the safety net and put things off. I signed up for an online dating service. Haven't seriously participated because I'm not divorced yet. I play poker with some single guys that I might enjoy spending time with, but I'm not divorced yet. I have a new friend who lives a really long ways away from me. We've been talking quite a bit for several months. In our own ways, we have both used each other as a safety net because we are so far apart. I don't have an issue with him for it and I hope he forgives me for my part in it. Besides, I'm still not divorced yet.
The whole legally single thing is an issue for me, and yes I use it as a safety net to delay having to join the dating scene. I know I don't have to be with someone to be happy. And I have found the place where I'm happy with who I am. There is no relationship with the Ex nor do I want one. I haven't seen him since the day he dropped me off at my aunt's house. Honestly I'm glad. I found a voice message in my Yahoo Messenger that he had sent me a few months before things broke down. I forgot it was there. Listened to it. I wanted to write this after I heard it but it's taken me 4 damn days to get this far. Even now, as much as I want to be free of him and all the associated baggage, I'm crying as I write this.
Closure is hard. It hurts as much as the break-up. I know I'm strong enough now to get through this. I can't move forward with new business until the old is finished. As much as it hurts, I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to shed the last of that baggage. I'm finally ready, admittedly scared as hell but ready, to stand on my own. February is supposed to be a time to celebrate love. Well, I'm going to celebrate Valentines by making room in my life for a new love. A new love, new experiences, new happiness.
But first, I need ink cartridges for my printer......
30 January 2009
Lost and Found
What was the last thing you lost? Did you find it? Have you ever gotten lost? Did you ask for help?
Loss can have a major effect on us. Over the course of my marriage I lost many things. Cars that didn't last, belongings left in places I moved out of, keepsakes that can never be replaced. It does me no good to hold a grudge against the Ex over those losses. Mistakes were made on both sides in that relationship. I'm trying to let go of that and not repeat those mistakes. When the relationship fell apart, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I lost the companionship, the closeness we shared, all the emotion that had been put into the relationship was lost. I lost the will to write because of that pain. Even journalling took an effort I didn't want to expend.
Once I stopped clinging to the shredded remains of my heart, I found that my heart was still beating. I found that although I was still missing things about that relationship, the Ex was not one of those things. I found that what I thought I had was not what I was really looking for to begin with. I also found that I was not who I thought I was. My true self was inside all along, waiting for me to rediscover it.
Sometimes we need a little help, some directions to help us find our way. My aunt has helped me find my path out of my emotional labyrinth. I have seen myself through her eyes. The real me is clawing her way to the surface and breathing fresh air for the first time in years. I've had help from others, also. Friends that have been supportive and offered directions, a few who have shone a light on the fact that I am alive and well without the Ex. I have found new friends that love me as I am, funny and sexy and quirky as that is. I've found that I don't have to have those 'things' to be happy. I don't have to carry around someone else's baggage to be happy.
I still miss some things, someone to whisper to at the movies, a hand to hold on a slow walk in the park, the touch of lips on my skin. But I know those things are possible. A good friend showed me that I won't be alone forever. I hope to help my friends find the same possibilities. Some things are better off staying lost. There is usually something better waiting to be found.
Loss can have a major effect on us. Over the course of my marriage I lost many things. Cars that didn't last, belongings left in places I moved out of, keepsakes that can never be replaced. It does me no good to hold a grudge against the Ex over those losses. Mistakes were made on both sides in that relationship. I'm trying to let go of that and not repeat those mistakes. When the relationship fell apart, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I lost the companionship, the closeness we shared, all the emotion that had been put into the relationship was lost. I lost the will to write because of that pain. Even journalling took an effort I didn't want to expend.
Once I stopped clinging to the shredded remains of my heart, I found that my heart was still beating. I found that although I was still missing things about that relationship, the Ex was not one of those things. I found that what I thought I had was not what I was really looking for to begin with. I also found that I was not who I thought I was. My true self was inside all along, waiting for me to rediscover it.
Sometimes we need a little help, some directions to help us find our way. My aunt has helped me find my path out of my emotional labyrinth. I have seen myself through her eyes. The real me is clawing her way to the surface and breathing fresh air for the first time in years. I've had help from others, also. Friends that have been supportive and offered directions, a few who have shone a light on the fact that I am alive and well without the Ex. I have found new friends that love me as I am, funny and sexy and quirky as that is. I've found that I don't have to have those 'things' to be happy. I don't have to carry around someone else's baggage to be happy.
I still miss some things, someone to whisper to at the movies, a hand to hold on a slow walk in the park, the touch of lips on my skin. But I know those things are possible. A good friend showed me that I won't be alone forever. I hope to help my friends find the same possibilities. Some things are better off staying lost. There is usually something better waiting to be found.
25 January 2009
Regroup and Recharge
As you may have noticed I haven't posted a new blog in a while. The day job has gone haywire and I'm trying to keep up. Things are starting to fall into place for that part of my life. I'm almost to the point I should be. I've been travelling off and on for the last 3 weeks. I don't have a problem with it, it just makes me tired. I'm back to my normal schedule this week so I'm taking some time to regroup. My to-do list is still a half-mile long, but more of what's on it is all mine.
Regrouping for me is also recharging. You can't run the batteries down and expect your toys to still play. Energy has to be replenished. This means I'm going to make more time to meditate and light my candles. I'll get back on schedule with the Tai Chi I practice. And hopefully I'll find some time to finally do my nails. I will also work damn hard to make some writing time. I need to write to purge the baggage that builds up from everyday contact with people. Most of it is easy to slough off. Some people leave you wanting to go wash your hands. Those are the people I have to meditate to get rid of.
On the flip side of that are the people that help me recharge. A few of my friends have the kind of energy that makes me feel better when I talk to them, even if we don't talk about anything more important than which Nick Cage movie we like best. Sometimes we don't even have to talk, just listening to them breathe and knowing they care enough to be on the other end of the line listening to me breathe is enough. We all need friends like that. I'm glad I have a few. If you have a friend or two like that, let them know you appreciate them. Life is too short and chaotic to go through it without friends.
Regrouping for me is also recharging. You can't run the batteries down and expect your toys to still play. Energy has to be replenished. This means I'm going to make more time to meditate and light my candles. I'll get back on schedule with the Tai Chi I practice. And hopefully I'll find some time to finally do my nails. I will also work damn hard to make some writing time. I need to write to purge the baggage that builds up from everyday contact with people. Most of it is easy to slough off. Some people leave you wanting to go wash your hands. Those are the people I have to meditate to get rid of.
On the flip side of that are the people that help me recharge. A few of my friends have the kind of energy that makes me feel better when I talk to them, even if we don't talk about anything more important than which Nick Cage movie we like best. Sometimes we don't even have to talk, just listening to them breathe and knowing they care enough to be on the other end of the line listening to me breathe is enough. We all need friends like that. I'm glad I have a few. If you have a friend or two like that, let them know you appreciate them. Life is too short and chaotic to go through it without friends.
10 January 2009
Don't Shoot The Messenger
If something is yours, you own it, right? Of Course! So why is it so hard for some people to own their actions, their situation, their baggage? If you've been reading my blogs you will have heard me talk about my mother. She is the reason behind a lot of my baggage. Not all of it, though. I know this. Some of the crap is mine. I own it, I take responsibility for it. I am the only one to blame for it. My actions are my own. My decisions, however misguided they may be at times, are my own. The foundation I make those decisions from has been biased by my mother. I'm working on correcting that. It's not easy to evaluate every decision I've made and try to see what was my mother's voice and what was mine. But the stuff that's mine, is mine.
You've also heard me talk a lot about looking in the mirror. I'm getting better at it. Now that I'm seeing things for what they are, I have to be careful not to drag all my friends to the mirror kicking and screaming. Not everyone wants to look in the mirror. They know deep down inside that they won't like what they see. This makes them afraid to look. They are afraid to own the decisions and actions that have brought them to where they are in life. But all is not lost. Fear is something we all deal with in one way or another. But we can not let it control us. You can't be afraid of the mirror. If you are honest with yourself, you know what you'll see when you look. I can force you to the mirror. I can tie you to the front of it so you have no choice but to look in it. But what you actually see is ALL YOU. You have to look at yourself honestly. Not what someone else see's, but what you know deep inside your heart. I knew long before the break-up that my marriage was a lie. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to admit it. But I knew. I can admit that now. Six months ago I couldn't have. My aunt knew. She knows me better than I know myself. And she's been holding me in front of that mirror for a while now. I love her more for it. But I don't blame her for what I see in my mirror. It's all mine. I own it.
I'm 37 years old. Sometimes I feel like a teenager again because everything feels so new. I'm seeing with new eyes. By the time most people are approaching 40 they already have a career and are pretty much in their groove. I'm just finding mine. I know there are things I need and want to change. Those issues are mine. The point is that I'm living my life for ME. Not for my mother, my aunt, my (ex) husband. Just for me. I see things through my eyes, not my mother's or anyone else's. I am the only one I have to answer to. If something makes me unhappy or is not the way I want it, guess what?! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO OWN'S IT, I HAVE TO FIX IT! I can blame it on someone else, but when I look in the mirror I know the truth. Whether or not I like the message, I can't shoot the messenger.
You've also heard me talk a lot about looking in the mirror. I'm getting better at it. Now that I'm seeing things for what they are, I have to be careful not to drag all my friends to the mirror kicking and screaming. Not everyone wants to look in the mirror. They know deep down inside that they won't like what they see. This makes them afraid to look. They are afraid to own the decisions and actions that have brought them to where they are in life. But all is not lost. Fear is something we all deal with in one way or another. But we can not let it control us. You can't be afraid of the mirror. If you are honest with yourself, you know what you'll see when you look. I can force you to the mirror. I can tie you to the front of it so you have no choice but to look in it. But what you actually see is ALL YOU. You have to look at yourself honestly. Not what someone else see's, but what you know deep inside your heart. I knew long before the break-up that my marriage was a lie. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to admit it. But I knew. I can admit that now. Six months ago I couldn't have. My aunt knew. She knows me better than I know myself. And she's been holding me in front of that mirror for a while now. I love her more for it. But I don't blame her for what I see in my mirror. It's all mine. I own it.
I'm 37 years old. Sometimes I feel like a teenager again because everything feels so new. I'm seeing with new eyes. By the time most people are approaching 40 they already have a career and are pretty much in their groove. I'm just finding mine. I know there are things I need and want to change. Those issues are mine. The point is that I'm living my life for ME. Not for my mother, my aunt, my (ex) husband. Just for me. I see things through my eyes, not my mother's or anyone else's. I am the only one I have to answer to. If something makes me unhappy or is not the way I want it, guess what?! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO OWN'S IT, I HAVE TO FIX IT! I can blame it on someone else, but when I look in the mirror I know the truth. Whether or not I like the message, I can't shoot the messenger.
01 January 2009
Happy New Year
Well, Cinderella, it's time to start again. It's winter, the weather is changing the landscape, people are celebrating the holidays. It's the beginning of a new year. Winter signifies the end of the old year. It's time to finish things to make room for the new. People talk about spring cleaning, but winter is when things are finished. Death is associated with winter, but that doesn't mean literal death. It means the end of something. It's another metaphor for change.
Winter is supposed to kill off the bad, the diseased, the bugs. It's a check system to keep nature in balance. If it didn't work, we would be overrun with insects alone in no time. This is a time to let go of the old. This is when you shake off the baggage and negative emotion of the past year, or years.
There are several things to do to be ready for the coming year. Learning to meditate would work wonders for most people on the planet. Say goodbye to mean people, bad attitudes, bad habits. Look at what did not work for you in 2008. If it doesn't work, get rid of it. Look at what you wanted to accomplish and decide what you would still like to do.
Now is the time to commit to accomplishing these things. Don't make resolutions. No one ever keeps those. Make a decision to have faith in yourself and your ability to do what you set out to do. Make a list of goals to meet for the year. Be reasonable with yourself about what you hope to do, but make yourself stretch to make those goals. Don't be easy on yourself. No one else will be.
Winter is supposed to kill off the bad, the diseased, the bugs. It's a check system to keep nature in balance. If it didn't work, we would be overrun with insects alone in no time. This is a time to let go of the old. This is when you shake off the baggage and negative emotion of the past year, or years.
There are several things to do to be ready for the coming year. Learning to meditate would work wonders for most people on the planet. Say goodbye to mean people, bad attitudes, bad habits. Look at what did not work for you in 2008. If it doesn't work, get rid of it. Look at what you wanted to accomplish and decide what you would still like to do.
Now is the time to commit to accomplishing these things. Don't make resolutions. No one ever keeps those. Make a decision to have faith in yourself and your ability to do what you set out to do. Make a list of goals to meet for the year. Be reasonable with yourself about what you hope to do, but make yourself stretch to make those goals. Don't be easy on yourself. No one else will be.
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