Unwritten

Unwritten. What does it mean to be unwritten? Words not dripping onto the page? The muse not paying attention to pleas for help? Playing mahjong online instead of writing? Life can be unwritten, unplanned, unscripted. I often hear writers say they let their characters lead them through the story, only vaguely following a sketchy outline. We can be unwritten as people, too.

People who know me know I’m in the process of ending a 13 year marriage. I went from my parents to my husband. No time to find myself in there. In that respect, I am unwritten.

In the months since the breakup, I have written more journal entries than I did the entire time I was in high school. I have also meditated and had lots of long conversations with people who love me for who I really am.

I’m just now learning who that person is. I like the feel of rain on my face. I love to sing. I’m writing more and I’m actually happy with what’s on the page. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I do want people’s opinions. I can have friends who are hundreds or thousands of miles away and still love them for the true friends they are. I am smart, funny, quick with a helping hand. I love one-liners and good comebacks. I play poker and don’t drink sissy drinks. I love football and MMA and boxing.

People who ‘knew me when’ tell me I’m like a different person. I carry myself differently and smile a lot more. I’m happy with the gray in my hair. I don’t stress over little things. I’m learning what I can control and what I have to trust to God. I love my own idiosyncrasies. I’m learning to release inhibitions that were never mine to start with. I have a wicked sense of humor. I love double entendres and dirty jokes. I’m comfortable with myself for the first time in my life.

Hopefully I won’t intimidate people. I’ve been told I do that. I truly find it weird that anyone would be intimidated by me. Regardless to how smart or straightforward I am, I hope I am approachable. I’m finding the best version of me. It’s starting out to be very interesting. I think it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

So for now, I will drench myself in words. I will feel the rain on my skin. I will gladly share the words on my lips. I am no longer unwritten.